Like many of you, I began this Fall with the mixed emotions of having my children move up yet another grade in school.  This Fall I have a 5th grader and an 8th grader…and let’s not forget the feisty 2½ year old.  This Fall marked some milestones in our home.  We have a teenager in the house.  Yep, my son turned thirteen.  One. Three.  (Gasp.)  And my oldest daughter is into her next decade at age 11.  At 5th and 8th grade, I am realizing how few years I have left with them at home.  To use a golfing phrase, I’m playing the back nine.

Think about it.  As parents we have 18 years of control (real or perceived) to shape our children into adults.  I am coming to the realization that the older my children get, the more they need me.  How did that happen?  Isn’t it the reverse?  I mean, many women rejoin the workforce after the front nine, right?  Older kids need you in a different way from their younger selves, but they need you nonetheless.  It’s not just the hours per night helping with Algebra.  But there are also the unspoken needs based on this newfound independence called growing up.  It’s the push and pull dynamic.  At the back nine, kids push you away and you (attempt to) pull them closer; eager to keep the threads of the relationship present and strong.  You hang onto their every word because they come so much more infrequently now.  The front nine was different.  Kids express their needs in a variety of manners and it’s fairly easy to figure it all out.  But this back nine…it’s a whole different story.

Anyone who has ever swung a golf club knows that golf is anything but an easy game.  So goes parenthood.  Successful golfers take an extremely detailed approach to the game. They walk the greens and roll multiple golf balls from different positions to see precisely how putts might break.  Successful golfers make every attempt to prepare for their game.  And as with any skill, practice is the best of all instructors.  Now let’s talk about my game.  I enjoy golf, but I am far from what anyone would label a successful golfer. Oftentimes, the back nine seems much more challenging for me.  I always warn my cart mate of this fact and lament over the problematic back nine.  Is it an endurance thing? You can certainly get fatigued by the back nine and fade down the stretch.  One of my favorite words of wisdom was the guy who told me that a drink or two on the back nine would help my game.  Other cart mates have told me that I need to pay close attention to my pace and rhythm throughout all 18 holes.  I guess it’s possible I lose focus knowing that I am past the midpoint of my round.

Another consideration, however, is merely the difficulty of the course at play.  Perhaps, the back nine really IS the more difficult half of the course.  Perhaps, the back nine really ARE the more challenging years on the parenting course.

Musings from the course:

• The back nine requires more focus and a steady pace.
• Be present.  Don’t get ahead of yourself.
• Passing the midpoint shouldn’t have you thinking about the end of the round, rather than focusing on each hole (year/day/moment) individually.
• Prevent fatigue.  Find tools and tactics that can help you recharge.  For me, that’s yoga.  (A drink now and then doesn’t hurt either.)
• Engage and practice.  If practice is the best of all instructors, parents are lucky to get plenty of it on a daily basis.
• Be forgiving and patient.  It’s my belief that parents deserve and receive an endless supply of mulligans.
• Parenting on the back nine requires the same tenderness, constancy, reverence and hope of the first nine.  It just may be the more challenging half of the course.